Blackadder Goes On The Weakest Link
by saharadragon
Summary: This is completely and utterly mental. Don't expect any of it to make sense. It won't and you will be very disappointed.


Blackadder goes on the Weakest Link

(HQ. General Melchett and Captain Blackadder are talking)

Melchett: So due to the lack of funds-the drag queen masquerade will have to be cancelled.

Blackadder: (sarcastically) Oh Damn.

Melchett: Exactly. Unfortunately that's not all the bad news. We can't even afford the new ladders or revolvers for the next big push. At this rate we'll be facing the Germans armed with a feather duster and tin of spaghetti hoops.

Blackadder: Well that's if we get lucky. 

Melchett: Precisely. Now, thankfully I have thought up a brilliant plan to get us out of this financial crisis. 

Blackadder: Oh good. For a moment there I thought we might have to resort to sending troops onto one of those hideous game shows to win money for the…

(He stops as Melchett holds up a letter from the BBC inviting four troops to take part in The Weakest Link)

(So Blackadder, Baldrick, George and Darling go on the Weakest Link)

(In the studio)

Anne Robinson: Welcome to the Weakest Link. Now the nine people in the studio don't know each other but they will have to work as a team if they want to win up to £10 000. Let's eat… sorry meet the team!

Some dumb guy called Sean: Anne hello my name is Sean and I work at Walmart.

Some dumb guy called Dan: Anne hello my name is Dan and I work at Walmart.

(They are best friends who always speak with someone's name in front of a sentence)

Some dumb girl called Emma: WHA!!!????

(Don't expect sense from her)

Some dumb guy called Shaun: Hello Chris.

(He reckons he's on Who wants to be a millionaire.)

A tub of lard:…

(Yes there is a tub of lard there. It's just as effective as the previous four. No actually more effective.)

Baldrick: Hello my name is S. Baldrick and I am a private.

George: Pip pip my name is George Colthurst St. Barleigh and I am a lieutenant.

Darling: Hullo My name is Kevin Darling and I am a captain.

Blackadder: My name is Captain Blackadder and I'm bloody bored.

Anne Robinson: The object is to answer as many questions correctly as you can moving up the money chain. If you answer a question incorrectly the chain will break and you lose all the money in that chain but if you say bank before the question is asked you win the money for the team but you start the chain from scratch. If you don't know an answer say pass but you lose all the money is the chain. We'll start at round one 90 seconds on the clock. Let's play the WEAKEST LINK.

Music: Da da da DA!

Anne: Sean, what is two plus two?

Sean: (counting on fingers) Anne, four.

Anne: No I have to accept your first answer. The correct answer is four not Anne. Dan, what live in field, eat grass and say MOO?

Dan: Anne…

Anne: No the correct answer is a cow.

Blackadder: (under his breath) same thing.

Anne: Emma, what colour is a red apple?

Emma: WHA???

Anne: No the correct answer is surprisingly red. Shaun, what planet are we on? (Well maybe not you but the rest of us.)

Shaun: Erm- can I phone a friend?

Anne: No the correct answer is the planet earth. Baldrick, how many playing cards in a standard pack of cards?

Baldrick: Erm…oh hang on I've got a pack here.

(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out three cards)

Baldrick: (counting them) One, two, fifty two. Fifty two cards.

Anne: Huh? Er-correct! George, in the alphabet what comes after B?

George: C

Darling: This is gonna be easy.

Anne: Darling, what is 1894756655 multiplied by 837654765 divided by 67 to the nearest decimal place?

Darling: Erm… I DON'T KNOW THAT!

Anne: No. The correct answer was 2.4. Blackadder, what enables you to get on a form of public transport that specifically requires them in order to travel from one place to another when you have acquired such a thing?

Blackadder: pass.

Anne: Correct.

Blackadder: Huh? Oh bus pass!

Anne: Sean…

Music: Da da da DA!

Anne: At the end of that round you have banked a pathetic nothing. Who is the needle without a haystack? Which village is missing its idiot? It's time to vote off the weakest link.

Voice: Shaun was the weakest link in that round because he thinks he's on millionaire. Blackadder was the strongest link but will the voting match the statistics?

Anne: It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link!

Sean: Anne, Shaun.

Dan: Anne, Shaun.

Emma: WHA!!!???

Shaun: Do I get a million pounds now?

Baldrick: Shaun.

George: Shaun.

Darling: Shaun.

Blackadder: Shaun.

Anne: So Shaun, you think you're on Millionaire?

Shaun: I am.

Anne: Don't argue with me. This is the weakest link. I am Anne Robinson. You should be quivering with fear.

Shaun: Hahah! Chris Tarrant is funny!

Anne: Shaun! You are the weakest link! Goodbye!

(Shaun skips off happily.)

Shaun: I am delighted to have won who wants to be a millionaire!

(A voice whispers to him from off screen)

Wha? You mean I lost! Wah!

Anne: Anyway back to sanity. And round 2. So far you have put in the kitty a pathetic nothing. Taking 10 seconds off the clock. Let's play the weakest link

Music: Da da da DA

Anne: Sean, who is the most beautiful, amazing, cleverest person ever?

Sean: Anne…

Anne: Correct!

(The whole stage bursts out laughing)

Anne: I SAID CORRECT. Dan, in the Blackadder episode 'Chains' the truth come out that Melchett has a fetish for which animal called Flossie?

Dan: Anne…

Anne: No the correct answer is a sheep. Emma, what is your name?

Emma: WHA???

Anne: No the correct answer was Emma. Baldrick, what is two beans plus two beans?

Baldrick: Erm…a small casserole?

Anne: Correct. George, what would be the best thing in the world?

George: Gosh-um-I've never really thought about it. 

Anne: No the correct answer would be an endless Weakest Link video. Darling, why are you such a spineless malingering git? 

Darling: Um…pass.

Anne: That's what I'd like to know. Blackadder, who smashed my 'cow of the year' trophy backstage earlier?

(George goes red and looks guilty)

Blackadder: Oh that would be George.

Anne: Right thanks I'll get him after. Sean…

Music: Da da da DA

Anne: I can't complete the question and in that round you banked a pathetic nothing, which will add on to your previous amount of nothing! Who isn't pulling their weight? Who would be better off pulling pints? It's time to vote off who you think is the WEAKEST LINK!

Voice: Emma is the weakest link having not answered a single question right. Blackadder is again the strongest link but will the votes reveal the facts?

Anne: It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link.

Sean: Anne, Emma.

Dan: Anne, Emma.

Emma: WHA???

Baldrick: Emma

George: Emma

Darling: Emma.

Blackadder: Emma.

Anne: Emma-

Emma: WHA???

Anne: Not much use are you?

Emma: WHA???

Anne: You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

(Emma looks around for a couple of minutes. Screams 'WHA???' then storms off.)

Anne: Okay round 3. you have got rid of insanity…

(she notices Baldrick talking to Graham the dead slug)

Or maybe not. Anyway we are taking 10 seconds off the clock. Let's play the weakest link.

Music: Da da da DA

Anne: Sean, which is best apple pie or beef pie?

Sean: Anne…

Anne: No the correct answer was both. Dan, in the Blackadder episode 'Corporal Punishment' the pigeon that was shot was called Speckled what?

Dan: Anne…

Anne: No the correct answer was Jim. Baldrick, how much have you banked so far?

Baldrick: Erm- nothing.

Anne: Correct. HAH! George, in the Blackadder episode 'General Hospital', who really turned out to the spy at the end?

George: Erm- I think that was me wasn't it?

Anne: Correct but I ask the questions. Darling, is my hair a wig?

Darling: Er…

(Darling thinks hard while looking at Anne's hair.)

Darling: Um…yes.

Anne: (completely outraged that anyone could possibly think her hair to be a wig) THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS NO!!!!!!!!! Blackadder…BLOODY HELL WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

Blackadder: That would be private Baldrick.

Anne: Well don't bring him anywhere near me.

Music: Da da da DA.

Anne: Okay at the end of that round you have banked another pathetic amount of bugger all. It's time to vote off the weakest link.

Voice: Sean and Dan are both the weakest links. Blackadder is the strongest link for the third time in the game.

Anne: It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link. 

Sean: Anne, er-me.

Dan: Anne, er-me.

Baldrick: Sean

George: Dan

Darling: Dan.

Blackadder: Sean.

Anne: YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR YOURSELVES!

Sean and Dan: Anne, why?

Anne: I ASK THE GODDAMN QUESTIONS!!!

Sean and Dan: Anne, sorry Anne.

Anne: We have a tie team! When the vote is tied the strongest link has the deciding vote. Blackadder, you can stick with Sean or you can change your mind and vote off Dan.

Blackadder: Can't I vote them both off?

Anne: I WISH! Bloody hell if that was the case I'd have voted all you losers off and kept the money for myself. 

Blackadder: Don't you just love TV presenters? So full of charm they'd make Attila the Hun look like the easter bunny.

Anne: SHUT UP I MAKE THE JOKES AROUND HERE! Choose quickly before I die of old age.

Blackadder: That's a good idea. Baldrick you distract her until she really does die of old age. About 5 seconds should do it. 

Anne: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!!!! CHOOSE!!!!

Blackadder: (sighs) Ok Sean it is then.

Anne: Sean you are the weakest link good…

Dan: Anne no! If Sean goes I do to.

Anne: Bye then.

(Dan feels his plan has gone horribly wrong and Anne stands tapping her foot waiting for them to leave and they decide they'd better because she doesn't look best pleased.)

Dan: Everyone, we should not have been voted off…

Anne: That's enough. Now skipping to round 5 considering two people (well I say people but I use the term loosely) were off the last round. More time off the clock, lets play the weakest link!

Music: Da da da DA

Anne: Baldrick, in the Blackadder episode 'Head' who completely cocked up the executions?

Baldrick: Er- pass.

Anne: The correct answer was YOU! George, how many idiots does it take to completely cock up a round on the weakest link?

George, Um…gosh…um…these questions are awfully hard.

Anne: No the correct answer was just one-you, although this round we have four. Darling, who is the biggest idiot still in the game?

Darling: Er- me??

Anne: CORRECT! Blackadder, how much have you banked so far?

Blackadder: Bugger all.

Anne: Correct. 

Music: Da da da DA.

Anne: And at the end of that round you have yet again banked a pathetic nothing out of a possible ten thousand. Who isn't helping? It's time to vote off the weakest link.

Voice: In that round Blackadder was the strongest link but we have got used to that. Baldrick was the weakest link. Who will go at this crucial stage in the game?

Anne: It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link.

Baldrick: George.

George: Sorry Balders.

Darling: Private Baldrick.

Blackadder: For once I agree with you. Baldrick.

Anne: George, how do you think the game is going for you?

George: I think I'm getting along quite well.

Anne: Well Have I got news for you, you're not! Baldrick, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

(Baldrick walks off) 

Baldrick: Well i…

Anne: Right that's enough back to me. We're taking 10 seconds off the clock. Let's play the weakest link. George, is pie either a) a tasty piece of food with pastry on the outside and a filling on the inside or b) Very nice?

George: Er…B?

Anne: No the correct answer was both. Darling, how many question have you got right all game?

Darling: Er…

Anne: No the correct answer was one. And that was a complete guess. Blackadder, why did Shaun get voted off?

Blackadder: Because he was the weakest link?

Anne: Correct although I could also have accepted because he was a complete idiot, because he is thick as shit or because he thought he was on Who wants to be a millionaire.

Music: Da da da DA!

Anne: Time is up and surprisingly in that round you managed to bank an impressive nothing. It's time to vote off who you think is the weakest link.

Voice: In this crucial stage in the game Blackadder is the strongest link and George and Darling are both the weakest links but it doesn't matter anyway considering it's pretty bloody obvious no ones gonna get any money anyway. But will the votes reflect the statistics? Who cares?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Anne: It's time to reveal who you think is the Weakest link.

George: Darling.

Darling: Blackadder.

Blackadder: George.

Anne: We have a tie team. Darling, why Blackadder?

Darling: Well I think he was the weakest link.

Anne: Nothing to do with the fact that he's BETTER THAN YOU?

Darling: Erm…

Anne: AND YOU WERE TOO MUCH OF A SPINELESS GIT TO FACE HIM IN THE FINAL?

Darling: Erm…

Anne: Well when the vote is tied the strongest link gets the deciding vote and the strongest link in that round was (shouting at Darling) BLACKADDER! Blackadder, you can stick with your original vote or you can change your mind and get rid of the bastard who voted for you.

Blackadder: I'll stick with George cos I'm looking forward to thrashing Darling in the final.

Anne: George you are the weakest link goodbye.

(George walks off blubbing)

George:…

Anne: Right that's enough. Two contestants left

The Finallie!

Anne: Blackadder as the strongest link in the last round you have the choice of who goes first. 

Blackadder: Well you know what they say, leave the best til last.

Anne: Yes but I'm not playing.

Blackadder: Yes slight misunderstanding but nevertheless my hopes weren't high. Darling can go first.

Anne: Okay let's play the weakest link…Actually what's the point? Neither of you have won anything anyway. Blackadder, you are today's strongest link and you go away with nothing. Darling you leave with nothing. Join us again for the weakest link. (winks) Goodbye. 

(Nothing happens)

(Nothing continues to happen)

Anne: Okay we've still got 10 minutes til the Simpsons so we'll have to do something.

Darling: Don't you think it's a bit weird that the whole thing was just cut short? (Sounding hurt) I might've won that.

Blackadder: Sounds like a pathetic excuse from our lazy-arse writer to me. Couldn't be bothered to finish it properly. Wanted to start a new project and get this one out the way. The whole damn story line has been completely shit anyway.

Darling: Yeah and Anne Robinson is so much nastier than I expected. She looks so much taller than on telly though. 

Blackadder: She's probably standing on her wallet.

**BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(The studio blows up and everyone ends up at the bottom of the throne of the writer locked in a dungeon type thing.)

Anne: NOOOOOOO! My precious studio!

Writer: Serve you damn characters right for figuring out my evil plan and poxy excuse for not finishing this goddamn fanfic properly. 

Blackadder: Yeah emphasis on 'fanfic'. We're not your characters so you have no right to blow us up. We're probably copyrighted to Richard Curtis and Ben Elton or Rowan Atkinson or someone. And if I were you I wouldn't want to be sued by Anne Robinson and be responsible for giving her even *more * money. Mind you, I don't think she'd even notice a couple more noughts on the end of her paycheck.

Writer: Damn I didn't think of that. I haven't thought this through have I?

Everyone: No.

Writer: Well that doesn't matter anyway cos I'm not the writer. I am really…

(Takes of costume to reveal he is prince Ludwig the indestructible.)

Blackadder: Oh no not you again.

Ludwig: Yes it is i. Pvince Luvig ze indestructible. Please accept my apple-oh-ghies for the inconwience.

Blackadder: Hang on how is this possible? You are played by the same actor as George and he is by here. So how come you are there and he is here?

Ludwig: Oh. Um… I haven't thought this through either have I?

Everyone: No.

Ludwig: Er, so…what can we do now?

Anne: We could talk about me.

Blackadder: Do you really think suicide would be the best option then?

Anne: Well ok then what do *you * suggest we do?

Blackadder: Well we could shout abuse at the goddamn writer for a start. 

Anne: Do you think that would help?

Blackadder: Well I doubt it but it would make us feel better.

(Meanwhile somewhere in the ITV studios, the scene in the dungeon is on a big plasma TV screen and Ant and Dec (or is it Dec and Ant) stand next to it.)

Ant (or is it Dec): Welcome back to 'I'm a Weakest Link contestant get me out of here'.

Dec (or is it ant): Now remember here are those all-important numbers and you can phone or text. If you want Blackadder voted out, call 0800…

The end (yay!) 

The tub of lard won the money.


End file.
